Star Date 05102016
My daughters weigh heavily on my mind. I heard this fella on the Pandora, early a couple days ago. Looked up some of his music and found this to be fitting. Jon McLaughlin:
Proud Father –
There will be crying Being the man that you should But always be trying To see all the bad and the good
And yours is a promising future But know if it all were to fade But a proud father of me You have already made
And I’ll try to be All of the answers that you’ll ever need And I’ll try to show All of the love that you need to know
May the sparks in your eyes Outlive the lines on your face Hold on to the moments in time When you and I share the same space
And thoughts of you hurt me But I know the feeling of wrong ‘Cause there are lessons to learn In all of the places I’ve gone
And I’ll try to be All of the answers you’ll ever need And I’ll try to show All of the love that you need to know
So hold on to someone who’ll love you Through the hot and the cold And hold on to someone, who’ll love you No matter what they know
Just hold on to someone who’ll love you When you’re hot and when you’re cold And hold on to someone, who’ll love you No matter who they know
Open your mind So colors of skill you embrace And open your eyes To harmony coming of age
It won’t always be easy to love When you give and you never get back But no one’s intended to die With their heart still intact
And I’ll try to be All of the answers that you’ll ever need And I’ll try to show All of the love that you need to know
So take time to be still and to know That all of the world that you’ll face That a proud father of me You have already made.
The upper left is from this past Thanksgiving. It was the first time I’ve had my girls for a major holiday in a bunch of years. I’ve lost count as to how many. How quickly time flies. Thanksgiving is almost here and it is odd to think that I may not be. I plan on it, but I am not performing the surgery. In the last couple weeks, I have gone through all kinds of memorabilia from when the girls were little girls. School stuff. Oodles of pictures. Now sorted and in boxes to go to each of them. Some now and some for what if. As I type this, I do not feel especially down or depressed insomuch as I feel …well….loss. Time has gone. Every picture I looked at and sorted and set aside, I remember as though it had just happened. What an amazing thing that is in our heads that allows us that capability. I have been under anesthesia over a dozen (literal) times. Not once have I had a dream. You don’t. Under every other circumstance I did not mind, as none of those involved my head. Oh how I wish I could be wired to dream about days gone by. My girls. Learning to talk, walk, ride bikes, drive cars. All the while they have become their own rivers…running alongside mine at times…disappearing at others…but always their own. As we approach Friday, I feel like I am becoming Niagara Falls…plunging to an unknown base. Disappearing for good or reappearing and starting anew? So odd. I wonder if it feels the same for them or if it is entirely different, given the distance. I hope it is different. I hope they know how happy they have made me in their short lives. I know I’ve told them, but that is not the same as believing what is being said. Just odd. The entire 40 days has gone quickly. I’ve not looked back at a single days’ typing. I really do not want to relive any of them right now…maybe never. Even after coming through this, I do not want to experience the feelings associated with this shitstorm…again.
The one on the right is the day Casey got her driver’s license. Sorry Sammers, I can’t find the one from the day you got yours. My daughters are amazing women. Not because of me, likely in spite of me. I could not be prouder of them…and I get it. Parents say that about their kids all day, every day. I say it to my kids. They need to hear it. They deserve to hear it.
When my daughters were young, they would come visit me in CO, typically for the Summer. Work did not stop. I was in a sales position that had me traveling to CO, NE, KS, SD, ND, WY, MT, UT, ID, IA. I drove the area and brought the girls with me. Long drives with little fun…until night time and hotels with indoor pools. Jackson Hole, Yellowstone, Bozeman…my girls have seen parts of the U.S. that most people don’t see…and…well…not much to see. We pulled in to Yellowstone one Fall day…empty. Apparently they close down the highway and park, twice a year. We happened through during one of the two. A wolf and bear preserve was open. We got a personal tour of the place. The girls had a blast. It is one of my fondest memories of their times with me. When it was time to go back to mom, we would drive back from CO to CA. Typically, we would stay in Vegas at one of the big strip hotels. The girls loved it. Highest floor we could get. They’d press their faces against the windows and look out in to the night. Giggling. So many trips by plane and car. I got a call from Casey when she went off to college…a thank you for teaching her how to navigate an airport…any airport. Who not to get behind. Being prepared in the security line ….as so many are not. My kids have seen more movies than most. I had an in-dash DVD player and before that I would literally lug a TV/VCR combo in the car. They were great travelers. They were great companions.
I hope I’ve done what I set out to do. I think …I believe that I have. I believe my job as a parent was to rear my kids to be responsible adults. I did. They are. I am extremely proud. I miss them constantly. It is not easy to be a nation away. To miss out on the daily stuff. …especially with a granddaughter around. I do not know what comes after Friday. I do know that if…when I awaken, my kids will be made aware they are still stuck with me. Poor little shits (insert smiley face).
Final thought. Ladies….continue to make good and intelligent decisions. The easy way is never the right one. Love each other…be there for each other. Take shit from no one. Know that I love you. Remember me…please.
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